S1,E4: It Always Comes Back to Pizza

You’ve got a phone - and it does a lot, right? Calendar, email, games, social media, it’s even a mobile charging station… but what else can it do?

The Cell X 2020 does it all! Imagine - a phone that is also a multi-use tool that is also a soap dispenser AND a mini-stove.

“My brother thought his phone was so sophisticated. I mean, yeah, it could take amazing panoramic pictures, but could it suture a wound? During our rugged hike on the Superior National Trail, he realized he should’ve gotten a Cell X 2020. I Googled ‘emergency first aid’ and, with the help of my Cell X 2020, I could perform minor surgery right then and there.”

Whatever you need, the Cell X 2020 has got you covered. It’s got all the “sophisticated” functions of those other phones, but when you need to make dinner? The Cell X 2020 is the only phone that can open a can and run the battery hard enough to heat the contents to a safe-for-consumption temperature. Don’t forget to wash your hands! The Cell X 2020 holds a mini-pump to fill with your favorite cleanser and a small but powerful motor that blows hot air from the headphone jack for drying!

A phone with every imaginable function will make your life more fun, more efficient, and more fancy. Yes, you do need the Cell X 2020… because you never know when you’ll need to freshen up with a spritz of cologne while using your tire iron attachment.

[Voice 1]

[Voice2]

[Narrator]

They were strangers from different worlds, then lovers with a shared secret. They saved each other from their respective chaste and sordid pasts, and freed each other from a lifetime of monotonous, vanilla marital relations. But was it free enough?

“Dear Mr. Gray,

I wish to inform you that I’ve tired of the usual right-handed lashings. I hope you do not take offense, but I need to go in a different direction. If you are unable to fulfill this request I will be seeking a southpaw.

-Signed, Mrs. Gray”

“Dear Mrs. Gray,

Your request has been noted. Expanding our partnership to include a plus one would be my pleasure. And yours.

-Signed, Mr. Gray”

When bondage becomes bland, there’s always a next step. Coming to select theaters soon. Not yet rated.

It seems the thing to do nowadays is to combine two words in order to make up a new ridiculous one.

Pert Plus is no stranger to the combination game.

We’ve been putting Shampoo and Conditioner in one bottle for years now.

However, “Shampitioner” resonates like nails on a chalkboard in an echoey canyon type place, an “echonyon”, if you will.

Ok, making up words isn’t our thing, but hair care is.

Pert Plus – Hair, not words.

1981:

Sandra Day O’Connor is the first woman to be appointed to the U.S. Supreme Court.

The first American test-tube baby is born.

MTV is launched.

And the first iteration of Sven and Ole’s graces the north-shore town of Grand Marais, MN.

Entrepreneurial brothers Sid and Terry Backlund opened a small food stand that summer and, to their surprise, it was hugely successful. They doubled their working space the following year and just kept expanding from there. Now they’ve got a large dining room and an annex called The Pickled Herring Pub. Because of course.

The establishment has moved from serving such food stand classics as nachos, popcorn, and hotdogs to mainly pizza, for which Sven and Ole’s is all but a legend. And like most legends, some people are on board and some are not. Like Bigfoot or Zelda. Except it’s not the existence of the pizza that’s in question - the pizza is a very real, greasy blob in the gut. No, the question is the quality of the pizza. Some reviewers will say it’s the absolute worst, but to them we have to ask, “hey, have you met pizza before?” Like, isn’t the worst pizza the best pizza? Have you not thrown a Jack’s or a Tombstone in the oven after a night of debauchery and known in your very bones that that pizza was a precious gift?

Those who do understand pizza agree that Sven and Ole’s isn’t even about the pizza. Yes, you go there, you order a pie with too much cheese and not enough toppings, you sprinkle some extra parmesan on there and wonder if it’s really ok to leave parmesan out on the tables indefinitely… it’s just like almost any other pizza dive. But when you’re at Sven and Ole’s, you’re supporting a local mom and pop shop - or in this case, a brother and brother shop. You’re dining with tourists who want to experience the legend, but you’re also dining with locals who don’t have stars in their eyes about it - they just like it there. You get ambience that comes only with an eclectic mix of decor that includes taxidermy, lumberjack tools, a sombrero, and some dogsled racing bibs because that’s probably how some of the clientele got there.

Now don’t be intimidated by the proximity of Sven and Ole’s to the Canadian border. If you pay attention even a little, you’ll notice that as long as you’re within 400 miles of Grand Marais, someone in your line of sight has made the trek to the legendary pizzeria. They probably have the evidence on their car bumper. So gas up and head out for the pizza place we love (or love to hate) the most. Bumper sticker optional.

You’re Welcome.

Love,

MN